Dream Guilt

I believe God speaks to me in dreams. Following that statement, I would expect many different opinions about the nature of God in dreams. I am aware of the spiritual ideas of prophesy and visions, although the concepts are still somewhat new to me, having been raised in a Catholic church. I accept those ideas for what they are, but they are not what I am writing about today.

God has spoken to me in radically unconventional ways. He has written my name in the sky, tossed my own words in my face through a television sitcom, delivered me into uncannily perfect settings for conversations - all in response to very specific prayers I had made. I think it is very easy to distinguish between God and coincidence; the feeling that accompanies God's signs to me is often an overwhelming sense of truth, awe, and irony. Dreams, though, are much more difficult for me to decipher. I struggle with them. Most times, I think God uses my dreams not for prophetic visions or profound injunctions, but to reflect the things I most need and hate to see.

I have learned enough about psychology to understand the basics about dreaming. The parts of our lives causing us to think, worry, and stress are the ones most likely to project on our eyelids at night. From what I understand, dreaming also assists the mind in organizing information and recalling experiences. I can certainly attest to these facts; I have had enough dreams of mountain lion attacks to irrevocably cement my fear of them. It is the combination of psychology and faith which causes me to dwell on the residual emotions of my dreams and why my reaction to some of them is so powerful.

Last night's dream is giving me great qualms about myself. I will not describe it here (some things are better kept personal), but I will emphasize my tendency to feel real guilt for imaginary actions. For example, last summer, I had a dream that I had betrayed my best friend's boyfriend to modern-day pirates, who later killed him for his failures. In the dream, I hadn't known he would be punished, and was caught in a horrible trap when my best friend was leaning on me in her devastation, ignorant of my role in her boyfriend's death. It took almost an hour to console myself upon waking; something about the sequence had broken my heart with guilt and left me crying for what I had only done in my sleep. The dream I had last night left me with a similar guilt, though not quite of the same sort. Thankfully, nobody was killed this time! My conscience is perturbed, however, by my dream actions and nonchalance. The guilt of subtleties is incredibly as powerful as the guilt of drastic action.

I wonder now if it is reasonable to feel this way. Obviously, I know I am not to hold myself, nor anyone else, accountable for what happens in my dreams. If this dream is a reflection of what is actually happening in my mind, on the other hand, it needs heavy consideration. I do think God uses dreams to turn us to face what we keep submerged in the trenches of our consciousness, and if this is what I have buried in my head, I have some ugly things to face. I know some people would probably tell me to let it go, that dreams have nothing to do with reality and simply surface in odd combinations of characters and events, but something about this last one feels deliberate. Deliberate, too true for my liking, and a very ugly form of ironic. Knowing God, though, He loves to speak to me in terms of irony, and this would not be strange for Him.

I feel this dream pushing me into action. I know I carry false guilt, and will attempt to relieve it, but I cannot ignore its weight or importance. Unfortunately, my actions will have to be postponed for reasons out of my control, but I certainly feel an immense amount of self-examination to be had immediately.

"For God does speak - now one way, now another - though no one perceives it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn them from wrongdoing and keep them from pride, to preserve them from the pit, their lives perishing by the sword.

Pay attention, Job, and listen to me; be silent, and I will speak. If you have anything to say, answer me; speak up, for I want to vindicate you. But if not, then listen to me; be silent, and I will teach you wisdom."

Job 33:14-18, 31-33