When you think nobody is listening, you yell too loud.
This is the base of my life recently. To use a far too common metaphor, this year has been a roller coaster ride - not the fun kind. It's the kind where the people standing next to the tracks can hear the cars ripping over the steel, thrashing wind through the bars as they race by, shaking the tracks with something wild between a rattle and a bang.
I have put all of you in the place of the passersby to the roller coaster. I have selfishly flown across the steel, not caring that the wind I shoot your way is too strong and uncomfortable. I have hardly stopped to listen. Occasionally I pause, then get up for another 30-second race around the tracks. Circles, constant circles. I'm going nowhere.
I do have to say one thing: I'm still not sure what is wrong. Yes, I am struggling immensely with my faith. Yes, I have been talking about boys all the damn time. Yes, I am slightly caught up with a few minor situations. Clearly, some of my choices are not at all beneficial to myself or to those around me. That being said, I don't feel like I have gone off the deep end. I'm pushing my boundaries, but I'm taking small steps back. I'm aware of what I'm doing. Maybe that will make you all even more frustrated with me, but it's honest. I am not entirely certain of my motivations all the time, but I'm not trying to hurt anyone and I'm not on a self-destruction path. I'm sure half of what I just said will only convince you otherwise, but it is the truth of my thoughts.
No matter what I am struggling with, however, I should still be acting as a better friend. I should slow down and shut up and listen to you. I should stop constantly whimpering about everything I want and don't want and that is happening or not happening in my life. I should find ways to deal with my problems so that you guys don't have to. I should realize when I've blown enough hot air and learn to shut up and deal.
So guys, this is me apologizing to all of you. I'm sorry for being a shit friend. I'm sorry for being so selfish in the time I spend with all of you. I could say now how much I cherish my friendship with each of you, but I don't think I'm worthy to say that if I don't act like it. I'm sorry for making you listen to me over and over and over again with all the same stupid stuff. I'm sorry for grabbing too tightly onto your friendship because something inside me is askew. I should figure out my own loneliness issues without putting weight on your shoulders, and I haven't been doing that effectively. Or at all.
I know some of you are probably rather disappointed with me. I'm sorry to have disappointed you. Some of you must really be better than me, and I don't say that sarcastically. You can understand whatever it is I'm doing wrong, and I still don't feel it. I've felt trapped in Core for so long that this just feels like actual life now. It feels normal. I know the idea of Christianity is to be better than normal, but maybe I'm just not. They say the path is narrow, and maybe I just don't fit on it.
I commend all of you for being such wonderful people. If I didn't already know how amazing each of you are, the fact that you put up with me this long would prove it. Thank you for listening, for trying to help, for giving advice, for watching my back, and for not punching me in the face, though I'm sure I deserve it. Thank you for being true friends even though I'm doing something wrong enough to put you all off. Even if you're mad, disappointed, or just frustrated, thank you for everything. Know that I love you all and I am thinking every day about how to figure myself out and make myself better. You all deserve a better friend than me.